I’m not very good at being a downer. I do NOT like to complain a lot. I’m not very good at wallowing in my feelings for a long time.
I mean, give me just a minute, but then…
I’m a fixer. I’m a doer. I like to make things happen and make things better. I like to motivate and encourage. I like giving and entertaining and making people happy.
It makes me miserable to be in my feels – the down, rotten, no-good, very- bad feels – for too long.
I can usually meditate, pray, and self correct. I can go find Keith for a swift kick. I can reach out to my friends. I can go do something creative or seek to be kind to others in some way. I can eat good food.
Mind you, I DO think we are all capable of holding space for more than one (opposing) feel at a time.
Joy and melancholy, trust and worry, courage and fear, can be woven into a tangled fabric that is itchy and uncomfortable but somehow fits. Sometimes we have to wear it.
Feels are temporary (thankfully), and our coping skills help us sort them out, manage them, and make sense of them.
As we figure that out, that mishapen garment begins to unravel. We can take it off and toss it. Back to good.
I’m not good at this right now.
Bad news then good news.
Wins then losses.
Triumphs then setbacks.
Assurance then doubt.
Clarity then confusion.
And, oh, the unknown!
As I sit here in my new room (I got moved today to a regular room.), it’s dark, and a storm is brewing outside.
Keith just went home to sleep in his own bed, shower in his own shower, wash some clothes, and take care of some things around the house.
The nurse just came in to give me my medicine for the night. I’m looking forward to, hopefully, a long stretch of sleep.
I’m laying here squirming in that half-backward, seams askew, one arm shorter than the other, too tight around the neck, proverbial straitjacket of opposing feels. Sleep will eventually come. The meds will help.
I reflect, mostly for myself, but also to share what’s real with you. I like knowing you’re reading and listening. I like that some of you will feel these feels with me. Some of you may be in your beds this evening wrestling to get comfortable in your own straitjacket of sorts. And I hope I can make someone else feel less alone.
Tomorrow is a new day. No doubt our
“feels” sweaters will unravel thread by thread, every strand blowing away with the wind.
I’m just not very good at this right now.
I love y’all.
Lord, bring peace upon us tonight. We cling to your promise that new things come in the morning.
#powerinthepurple
#graceanddignity
#pray4msa