If I could be anywhere else…
I would be at Lake Ouachita camping with my kids and Keith, laughing around a campfire. Campfire smoke smells so good.
I would be on Bleeker Street in Greenwich Village, NYC, on the look out for a place with good gnocchi, crusty bread, and wine.
I would be at The Chowder House in Portland, Maine, savoring a bowl of clam chowder and watching keith devour some seafood chili.
I would be at home taking fresh clothes from the dryer and grumbling about how many there were to fold.
I would be on the Aldi app placing a grocery order, then grumbling about how many there were to put away when they arrived. I would forget milk.
I would be thrifting and going to Walgreens for makeup and laughing with Brady and smelling her hair.
I would be taking biscuits out of the oven and making sausage gravy.
I would have Amanda sprucing up my purple hair, then I’d be on my way to the nail place.
I would write and create and graphic design, fiddle with my epoxy resin, and paint in my little upstairs room.
I would contemplate new hustles and business ideas, wrap up with a book or my Bible, and drink a cup of coffee, dog in lap.
I would play Miles Davis and Coltrane, Ella Fitzgerald and Marley on my record player.
I would be on the Delta app frantically wrangling to book the next trip. The Oregon coast?
I would ride my lawn mower, dust things, and tinker around (probably keeping Amazon in business).
I would think about planning a party, and imagine the theme, the food, the music.
I would Snapchat Blake to tell him I love him, and he would respond with some silly, eyes-drooping filter just to get under my skin then laugh about it.
I would snuggle up with Keith, by then, having stayed up way too late talking, say goodnight to the dogs, click off the light, and hold his hand while we fell asleep.
He would be fuzzy, coffee in hand, the next morning, and we would repeat some combination of the day before.
Right now, I daydream. I reminisce. I look back on the rich, beautiful, varied, and interesting and NEW life I was building. I marvel at my old plans for an “evolution” as I moved out of my forties and into my fifties. I read my old posts and think…wow.
I mourn.
In my approximation, this post won’t get a lot of traction, because people don’t like to hear about sad. They like to read about triumph and winners, fighters and underdogs. Those posts get the most LIKES and shares.
That’s okay.
I share to vent, mostly. I mean, this IS a blog. Of all the things that I imagined about having terminal cancer, these thoughts are ones I didn’t anticipate. I’m learning and navigating new challenges every day.
This really has been THE WEEK for being introduced to a range of extreme emotions, completely opposite each other, that somehow must be balanced. I’m trying to get them out and sort through them.
Despite them…
I still have hope.
I am certainly still an underdog and a fighter.
I know emotions are fleeting.
I know there are good days ahead.
I know I am completely surrounded by people who love me and pray for me.
I know there’s more joy on the horizon.
I know that I love y’all.
Thank you for loving me back.
But if I could be anywhere else…
#powerinthepurple
#pray4msa
#graceanddignity