The Evolution has begun, and I am one month in…without a post. I suck at this, but I’m learning. Let’s catch up first, then I’ll share the struggle…

I spent the first week of March traveling, which was glorious. My son, Blake, and I made it to Utah and hiked The Narrows in Zion National Park. It was a monumental task as expected, but I loved every second. In one day, we flitted across enough states and time zones to impress even the savviest of fugitives – from our house in Mississippi to wheels up from the airport in Memphis, Tennessee, smoothly landing in Nevada, then meandering along its highways into a sliver of Arizona and on into the canyons of Southern Utah. I find joy and wonder in travel itself, so it was quite an adventure from the start!

The Narrows proved to be a formidable challenge for my 48 year old bones, but I whipped it! We hiked about 4 miles in, mostly across rocks in knee-deep water (sometimes chest-deep!) up the Virgin River against a pretty swift current. It was exhilerating, exhausting, and exactly everything I had hoped it would be. I am beyond grateful for the whole Zion National Park experience – from the safari tent accommodations to the fat sangria to which I treated myself after the hike.

We rounded out the tip back in Las Vegas where I checked off another bucket list item – I shot a .50 cal! Oh, the power! Exhausted and sore, adrenaline tapped, we left the range, crashed briefly, then headed off to board a plane back home for only 3 days, afterwhich, my fam headed to Minneapolis where my daugher got to meet an online friend in person for the first time. So fun!

I bought a lawn mower…and I mowed my own grass! I have made homemade (damn fine!) biscuits. Every stitch of clothing has been washed and folded. (I estimate having washed a good 15 loads.) My closet is organized and clean. Our dining room table is set, and my house is decorated for Spring. Keith readies the coffee maker for me every morning, so I only have to push the button when I get up. And I have read seven books since March 1st.

I would say The Evolution is off to a blazing start! Somebody in the studio told me this week that I looked “so chill”, and that is the best compliment I have gotten in a while. I guess I am. I’m still working, but it is tapering off as I continue to transition operations, studio management, and classroom instruction to the new studio owner (who is quite fabulous already!). I can see the light!

You know what…I AM the light. I am rediscovering the real me, the creative and peaceful me. I am healing, soul searching, and letting go. I am enjoying the journey and taking it all in…and I have learned SO MUCH about what it takes to evolve.

But in the background looms the struggles. Please don’t paruse all this while wearing your rose-colored readers. The Evolution is coming with its share of challenges. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it would be for a full-time hustler, maker of magic, high-speed 24/7 roller to change.

At least three times a day, I marvel at the simultaneous conflicting emotions. I am excited yet so terribly sad. I beat my chest and RAAAWWRRR inside when I have a breakthrough with a child or a successful teaching moment (Yo, I did that!), but then I well up with tears compelled to just stay silent when a potentially good job must be done (It’s not all mine to do anymore.). I am moved to motivational speaking, complete with all the passionate, inspirational words that would light even the weakest fuse, yet my internal voice quiets me as I remember my new place. My love for children and the joy of dance in me fizzes and bubbles, but the strong desire to laugh with my girl under an open sunroof, tunes blaring, on a random Thursday afternoon with no other place to be rises to the top.

I have watched people cry over my leaving, and I have consoled them best I could. I have been offered kind words, gracious compliments, and genuine well wishesbit also looks of disdain and sorrow. Little children have begun to ask me why I am “leaving them”, so I attempt to explain the situation as positively and forthrightly as I can to a seemingly heartbroken 6 year old. I just smile at the salon and the grocery store when someone mentions not-so-casually that they “heard about it” while I try to dismiss the notion that I have obviously been the topic of community chatter. There is a dull feeling of melancholy that arises when I think of leaving an institution I created with my own hands and heart from nothing.

It was my plan to break all this down in pieces, but I am also learning that spilling my guts about every detail makes me tired to even consider. Maybe I’m not a very good blogger. Maybe I do better at doling out words than creating social media content. I am trying to figure all that out, and I will arrive eventually at the right combination of personal vs. private, trivial vs. substantive, and anecdotal vs. tell-all.

You best believe, though, that getting The Evolution underway has proven to be the RIGHT decision at the RIGHT time among the RIGHT people for all the RIGHT reasons. God is good to me, and I can watch Him work daily.

The decision to sell my studio was a difficult one, and as the days go by, it is becoming a highly emotional one. I figure all that will subside, I’ll stop feeling every which way every five minutes, and I’ll settle in at home. I’ll even get better at writing about it.

I knew The Evolution would be a struggle, I just didn’t predict all the ways. I cry a little on occasion, but I manage to do it at home mostly. I sleep better, though, and I am LOVING the process of reclaiming my life and curating my home.

What’s next? Well, I’m not too focused on that. I’m living in the now (more on that later). I am at peace in THIS moment.

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