This past Wednesday, evolution was fueled by courage. It took me the better part of an hour and a half to draft the email, summoning courage every minute. I then decided I had better schedule the email and accompanying social media post for later in the day, because another effort in courage would have no doubt been required to actually click SEND in real time. (I envisioned my index finger hovering anxiously over the mouse.) I wrote sincerely, included pieces of my heart along with a few personal photos, and navigated through the prompts to set in motion what felt like the planned detonation of a bomb. My hands were cold.

At 5:30 pm sharp, as judiciously programmed, the automated email charged through space and into virtual mail boxes instantly. The scheduled post popped up in Facebook feeds ten minutes later as choreographed. My heart rate jumped to 104. It was official in that moment…

I announced my retirement and the transfer of ownership of my dance studio after an undying, almost-24/7 twelve years of absolute dedication.

My husband arrived a few minutes before just to be near me for support. I texted a dance mom (and hopefully, new friend) across the lobby, and we twittered as we watched the email and post go live. The texts messages began to come through, both sad and congratulatory. My email notifications chimed as new messages arrived for me that included words like “so sad” and “can’t believe this” but also (thankfully) words like “you earned it” and “proud of you” .

I watched a mom sitting idly in the lobby, absentmindedly watching her dancer on the closed-circuit monitors, put her hand to her mouth (complete with audible gasp) in disbelief moments after her phone alerted her to the incoming email. She looked up at me with tears, and she smiled an understanding smile. The steady, usual flow of moms and teenagers entered and exited the studio throughout the evening, some bewildered, some troubled, a few tearful, two actually crying. Others came in and beelined through the crowd to hug me.

Swimming through this solution of emotions, sadness and disappoinment as thick and viscous as oil, oddly mixed with empathy and understanding as transparent and fluid as water, made for an emotional and difficult evening. Evolution comes with all the feels. I knew it would.

Meaningful relationships are hard to let go. Even the anticipation of my future absence causes a stir. Packing up my personal things, transferring responsibilities to a new person, establishing payroll under a new LLC, each facet of such a change ushers in a full range of challenges, concerns, sensations, commotion, doubt, wonder. Evolution doesn’t come easy. I knew it wouldn’t.

So what now?

My heart is changing. Making the announcement was a HUGE obstacle, a mountain to climb, one that I knew I needed to face head-on and make my way to the top of in order to evolve. The climb is behind me…and it is behind everyone else. At the top of the mountain is the vista, the view, the opportunity to be above the rigors and challenges of what is below, what was, and look unobstructed into the beyond at the picturesque, limitless panorama of possibilities. I am reassured. I am allowed. I am released. No longer do I feel inundated, confined, or bound. I have a new sense of optimism. I am hopeful.

My purpose is changing. I get to mentor a smart, creative, capable new studio owner. I get to design and produce a series of performances unencumbered and uninhibited. I get to freely and openly LOVE parents, grandparents, children, brothers and sisters, even more than I already did. I get to let go and watch other brilliant, capable people grow and succeed. I get to carefully and deliberately curate the second half of my life.

My people are changing. My immediate family breathed a sigh of relief. Keith and I have been so tired, so sleepy, so exhausted that we hardly believe we will ever catch up on rest. The “let down” alone after having released the announcement calls for time to decompress. My children are relieved and happy for me. The studio family will adjust in time, but for now, they are processing, absorbing, and settling in to the idea that I won’t be there much after June. Students are becoming more and more accepting of our beautiful, sweet new owner/teacher, hugging her, and following her instruction. I foresee everyone settling down, adapting and accepting, and ultimately encouraging both me AND the fabulous new Commander in Chief (who deserves so much applause for her own courage in taking on this ambitious venture).

My life is changing. That’s what “evolution” is, right? This week, Thursday, I will take off work for the first time in 12 years (A DAY OFF FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 12 YEARS!) to hike Zion National Park in Utah with my son. We will touch down in Las Vegas on Thursday morning, grab a Mustang convertible, and venture northward into towering red rocks and dusty canyons to our not-so-humble, well appointed abode – a Bushtech, South African safari-style tent within a secluded retreat that flanks Zion National Park to the west. We anticipate stunning desert scenery, crackling campfires, and ethereal stargazing. I reserved dry suits, boots, and gear for hiking The Narrows in Zion. I even booked myself a meditation with a holistic spirital teacher and coach (and, as it turns out, retired dancer) for grounding, re-centering, and reconnecting with my precious Lord, The Creator of All That Is, right there in the midst of the majesty and serenity that is Zion.

THIS is evolution. THIS is what courage gets you. I’m walking into it as wide open as that inky, black desert sky that will cover me next weekend, glittered with stars and limitless. Thank you for taking the journey with me.

(And those of you from the studio who have found my “Writer” page, thank you for loving and supporting me. I am grateful more than you can know.)

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