I Owe Myself An Apology, But…

I owe myself an apology…

I apologize for disrespecting my body and not treating this wonderfully-created, miraculous vessel more kindly. I pushed it too hard, deprived it of sleep, and filled it with junk food more than I should have.

I’m sorry for not safeguarding my heart more and better protecting my peace. I let my heart get broken by ugly people who didn’t matter. I allowed trivial things to put me in an uproar needlessly.

I apologize for making decisions based on ego and pride and not always from a place of love, compassion, and concern for myself.

I’m sorry I ever doubted my intuition. I’m sorry I didn’t always trust my gut. I’m sorry I made some decisions against my better judgment.

I apologize for ever missing a single moment with my kids. I can’t get those moments back.

I apologize for being judge-y. I can only imagine how my being judgemental probably precluded me from giving someone a chance, how it kept me from experiencing something wonderful, and how it stood in the way of my being compassionate and giving.

I’m sorry for spending a nanosecond worrying about some mess that was ultimately no big deal (heck, it was NEVER a big deal in the first place). I made Mt. Everest out of a speed bump more times than I can count.

I’m sorry I hung around with shallow people. I apologize for ever trying to fit in or impress. I’m sorry I didn’t confidently speak my mind, establish healthy boundaries, and respectfully arms-length people when I should have.

I apologize for trying to handle everything myself and not looking to God for answers. I put pressure on myself to come up with all the answers for everything, find solutions, and solve problems. I’m sorry I didn’t rely on my faith.

I could come up with apology after apology for the foolish things I have visited on myself. I am most sorry, at this point, for not giving myself more grace. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize my own nonsense more, own it, and forgive myself along the way.

But…

I realize that all my fails, all my lapses in sound decision making, all these goof ups, and all my foolish actions are behind me. I actually have no need to apologize to myself any more. When I asked God to forgive me, He did. His poured grace all over my dumb butt more times than I can count. Just after I held it all up to Him for scrutiny (And holy guacamole, that ain’t easy!), He took one look at, flicked it away, vaporized it, eliminated it forever. Why would I continually struggle with forgiving myself if God already has?

But…

I learned that ego ruled. I learned that overthinking gets me in trouble. I learned that old belief systems had me in a chokehold. I learned that the inner real me, the God-loving me, the me made of light and wisdom and love can do better. I don’t need to apologize to myself anymore. All that mess is in the past, and, armed with all I know now, I can be better.

Apology starts with self awareness. If you don’t begin to dig deep and take a long, hard look at yourself, you’ll keep going around and around on the merry-go-round that is OF THE WORLD. I like to call it “The Loop”. Sadly, most people live in The Loop. It’s true. The Loop will own you (it probably owns you right now), and you’ll continue to go around in circles blindly repeating the same old stuff you’ve always done, thinking the same old way everyone else thinks, and playing out the same old mindset. You can’t be sorry for your own behavior if you can’t acknowledge you are wrong, or at least a little misguided.

And here’s something cool I learned early on when I started my self-discovery efforts: listen to your thoughts. Can you hear what you’re saying to yourself? Can you stand back, inside your mind, and watch the emotions happen? Feel them, sure, but just watch them float by like clouds? Do you notice your reaction to things? The fact that you CAN hear them, you CAN watch them, you CAN notice them means there are TWO entities involved – your true self and your crazy brain. The YOU who is hearing, watching, and noticing is your TRUE SELF. It’s the soul God made. It’s the purest form of you made of love and sparkly gold dust and promise. WHAT you’re hearing, watching and noticing is your brain working overtime. It’s not YOU but your computer processor constantly analyzing and evaluating. All those thoughts and emotions, fears, and expectations…not truly YOU at all, but your brain processing everything based on how it has been conditioned. How’s that for a concept?! (How the brain works…fascinating.)

I owe myself an apology, but it’s actually for not realizing that I was operating from both The Loop AND my ridiculous, messy brain way more than I was operating from my soul self. I am SO HAPPY to have figured that out, and you know what, it helps tremendously when it hits you that other people are operating from The Loop and their ridiculous, messy brains rather than from their soul selves, too. Most are! What an opportunity for grace!

Soul Self, I sure am sorry…BUT I’m so glad you’re out in front now, walking by faith, keeping the old brain in check, and trying hard to avoid The Loop. I apologize, BUT…I know we are in for a much more content, more peaceful life in the future.