Have a bag of leftover candy from a party? Christmas? Valentine’s Day? Here’s how it always works out…
Supreme Candy Preference (Highest Standard)
This candy will be eaten first. When you need a pick-me-up, yummy treat, and optimal dopamine boost, it’s your go-to. In this case, I choose Almond Joy. Don’t come at me. Almond Joy is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Tasty Candy Preference (Modest Standard)
This candy will be eaten second. Since there is no Supreme Candy Preference option left, your standards will have lowered slightly but still be intact thus offering you a reasonable pick-me-up, tasty treat, and respectable dopamine boost. I’m going for Reese’s here.
Existing Candy Preference (Lowest Standard)
The candy will be eaten third. In the absence of the delectable Supreme Candy Preference and slightly secondary Tasty Candy Preference, you are left with the Existing Candy Preference. Your standards must now be lowered considerably if you are to delve into the bag of remaining treats for a marginal pick-me-up, sugary treat, and negligable dopamine boost. This is when I am forced to eat the Peppermint Patties, aka chocolate toothpaste.
Superfluous Candy Preference (Rock Bottom Standard)
This candy is extra. It’s what is leftover after all desireable or even quasi-desirable candy has been consumed. Your standards will have dwindled to nothing at this point for you to even fish the bag out of the back of the pantry and look inside. This is candy you will eat when you are drunk, incredibly sad, or desperate for anything sweet when there are no other groceries in the house. There will be no pick-me-up, no real sense of having treated yourself, and you will feel guilty for eating it. My particular bag of leftovers (thankfully) contains no SCP candies…but think licorice (Twizzlers not included), Good & Plenty, strangely colored candy canes, or wax coke bottles.
Nonexistent Candy Preference (Substandard)
This candy remains. The bag now mostly consists of generic hard candy, odd-flavored tootsie rolls, and jaw breakers that would stain your mouth blue. A few lone M&M’s seem lost, aimlessly wandering amidst the mess, and there really weren’t ever M&M’s in the bag in the first place so their presence will remain a mystery. The bag will be discarded. You will have to look forward to candy generated by the next holiday, find other means to treat yourself, and seek alternative sources for dopamine.
Alas, Halloween approaches! It’ll then be time to replenish your stash, raise your candy standards, and repeat the process all over again.
Amanda Herring, Writer 