I have been sick for the last TWO WEEKS (uugghh!) and a little aimless for the last SIX MONTHS. Let me tell you what that means.
Some unknown virus grabbed a hold of me on Saturday, December 7th and wouldn’t let go. I remember it specifically, because I was zhuzhed up and at a party feeling good about myself when I got a little tickle in my throat. I made a joke about “Y’all better not be getting me sick” around noon, and by 10:00 pm, I was sick as all hell. Worst sore throat I believe I have ever had, drainage with almost immediate chest congestion, and fever. It was all down hill from there.
“Hold space.”
I spent nine full days in the bed. Fever, coughing, head aches, body aches…I was quite the overachiever when it came to being sick. I had it all. I had schlepped myself to an urgent care clinic as soon as one opened yet tested negative for everything, so home care and support was all I had at my disposal for those nine days.
Then the “seizures” started (intentional quotation marks).
Y’all, I felt a hot rush come over me accompanied by a sort of numbness/tingling/tightness down my right side. It was the same feeling as when someone has been snuggled up with you and laying on your right arm, then they get up leaving your arm sort of dead and lifeless.
After the rush, the shaking started, an uncontrollable shaking of my right leg and arm. My arm wanted to twist backwards and unnaturally, too, and after the whole thing subsided (lasting upwards of one to three minutes), I felt tired and sore. I started having four or five of these a day. I called them “glitches”. Glitches are not fun.
What in the world?!
“Hold space.”
Rewind six months…I sold my dance studio of 12 years and produced my last official show as a studio owner in June. The adrenaline surge stopped immediately. There was no more running, no more constant people pleasing, no more deadlines. *boom* Just like that, my world became really quiet, and my mind felt really lost.
I’ve been pretty much wandering since then and trying to “find myself”, as they say. I have had time to think (perhaps too much), yet I have been so busy, I haven’t had much time to just be and actually think. It has been the exact odd and bewildering conundrum that it sounds like.
“Hold space.”
While I was sick last week, those two words kept coming into my head almost constantly throughout the day. Head on my pillow, eyes closed, feverish…hold space. Middle of the night potty run, fiddling to open a cough drop in the dark…hold space. Driving myself some place after being bed-bound for over a week…hold space.
When The Universe talks, I try my best to listen. The words came to me so clearly and constantly that I couldn’t ignore them. But what for? Why am I holding space? What’s coming? I wish I knew.
Right now, I feel like “open heart, open mind” is what I’ll cling to while I wait to see. Since I became a free agent, that has been the mantra I’ve repeated to myself.
“Keep an open heart and an open mind, Amanda. The right thing will come to you. You will be lead in the proper direction.”
And I’ve REALLY tried to remember that all things happen in God’s time. I am a faithful person, and I am confident that this is so. For the last several months, I have been a little aimless in the midst of trying to be intentional, but nothing has really “stuck”.
Is this personal and a lot? Yes. It’s a dump for sure, and you can send me a therapy bill. I share, because I bet there are more women like me who are waffling, who aren’t sure about their next move, who are ready to take on the world when the world is ready for them.
I am sure there are more of us who dabble in this or that then get so busy dabbling, they realize they haven’t take time for themselves (again!), and need to regroup.
And I bet you see the shiny, the successful, the luminous, but you rarely see the real. If I can help normalize “normal”, then that’s what I want to do. I want to DE-influence you. You’ll find no pressure to be MORE when most of us are going through periods of LESS, and we just need be able to relate and have compassion for each other.
The “glitches”? I’m on it. I understand viruses can do crazy things to one’s body, including one’s brain, so we are delving into exactly what virus I had by way of a “molecular test” that’s been sent off to a lab. I am also getting a CT scan soon to rule out outrageous things, and I’m awaiting the results of blood work. Answers would be nice, but I have Jesus, so I am at complete peace with whatever. I’ll keep you posted.
As for “hold space”? I am now in absolute HOLD SPACE mode. My days will be a little more carefully and deliberately constructed to better maintain that “open heart, open mind” philosophy while allowing for room to explore, test, and grow. I can’t keep filling my days with all sorts of foolishness hoping something blossoms.
I’m not sure what I’m holding space for, but I will hold it with great faith in the midst of taking care of my family and my home. Time to think, to feel, to explore is exactly what I wanted when I retired, and I want to fully recognize and appreciate the time I’ve been given and the space that will no doubt be wonderfully filled. In the meantime, I’ll be here holding it.