How about another ambulance ride with me? I hated making the choice to leave in-house rehab and go home, but through tears at 800 am, I called Keith to come help me decide.

Three therapists and I were working to coax my legs to get me to standing. They were pulling and shouting motivations. My legs were like jelly.

They were pulling me across a board, holding tight to a gait belt, while my butt wouldn’t scooch an inch.

They were the perfect mix of tough yet encouraging in their attempts to make my muscles react.

My brain just isn’t making connections…and now, not just on the right, but on the left side.

I have sensation. I can feel. I can point and flex and wiggle my toes. But my knees don’t want to bend or straighten with any reliability. Neither could bear weight at all the last few days.

It all seemed fruitless and frustrating.

So we left the facility to come home and regroup. Was that the right thing to do? We aren’t sure.

I don’t feel like I belong in a hospital right now, but I don’t feel like I belong at home.

We don’t know how to move me. We sure haven’t gotten the toilet thing figured out. And I have a small arsenal of meds, some new (insulin and Lovinox) that we have to learn about pretty darn quick. Like…right now.

Regardless of how we FEEL, I’m home now in my bed. I can’t say I’m not relieved and much more comfortable. I can’t say I’m secure.

Y’all, this is going to sound weird maybe, but when I was little, we had the occasion to go BINGO. I was totally enthralled with the way the colorful wooden balls would turn over and over in the bin until the caller stopped turning it, and let one fall out.

B6…B….6…

That was your fate. Cover the space. Next turn. Roll the bin. If you were “lucky” enough… BINGO!

I feel like my B6 fell out. The bin keeps turning. Balls fall out, one by one…

I19…I…19…

G30…G…30…

N60…N…60…

Everytime a ball falls out…new circumstances…a new fate…

But yet no BINGO.

So we will keep taking ambulance rides, looking for a comfortable place, a secure place, a place that will help me get better…the cancer center, the neurosurgeon, the hospital…just here in the bed.

We will keep noticing and appreciating the colors of the balls, how they dance in the bin, and the nuances of how the next, single ball falls out.

We’ll be watching with great anticipation for just one little chance to shout BINGO! all while just being thankful we’re still in the game.

I love y’all.

Thank you, Elijah, Biruk, and the angel, Ms. Ann, all on my ambulance, who got me home safely today.

#powerinthepurple
#graceanddignity
#pray4msa

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