I feel this picture.

A storm is brewing, the sky dark and ominous.

The clouds have arranged themselves in such a foreboding way to suggest the potential for a cyclone.

You can see the edge of the front and rain in the distance.

Is the front on its way in or out?

Her hair is already being tossed by the wind.

Is she there to boldly receive it, or is she bravely surrendering herself to it?

Yesterday, it got real.

I was so afraid last night, I nearly let it get the best of me. All I could do was read Bible verses over and over to distract myself from the fear and the fear-induced nausea.

We spent the afternoon at the hospital taking care of all the prerequisites for surgery – blood work, vitals, EKG. The Physician’s Office Building looked like any other doctor’s office with its practical lobby chairs, specimen cups, and latex-gloved hands.

Past nondescript doors, paper-littered bulletin boards, and several aged drinking fountains tucked discreetly around corners, we crossed a sky bridge over the street and into the hospital proper.

Into. The hospital. Proper.

First, There Were Angels

I don’t know much about angels. In fact, I’m not sure I know anything about angels at all. I can tell you, though, that every nurse and staff member we met yesterday was abundantly accommodating and kind.

Molly, the nurse who collected vitals and such, was beautifully Indian and Catholic. She gave me the rosary from her own front pocket. Londa, who took blood, was pierced and feisty and fun. She talked enthusiastically about making thoughts realities (“Yaaas, Girl! Manifest that!”) Ms. Jill, who handled all things administrative and guided us from one place to another, was tall, even-keeled, and rather gentle in her way. She wished us all the best.

(Side Bar: Keith got me into Casablanca, my favorite Mediterranean place, while we were out. Wheeled me right in and up to the table! I got Pastitsio and falafel with baba ganoush. Our server brought us a chocolate mousse with a smiley face drawn on top just to be kind AFTER we had paid.)

All day long, it seemed as if each person had been carefully hand-picked and placed in our path…and I believe that they had been. We both marveled at how everyone was so good to us!

Next, We Saw Reality

Down hallways, around corners, and up the elevator, Ms. Jill led us back toward the corridor that connects the sky bridge to the parking garage.

“And this is the Admissions Desk where you’ll check in Friday morning. Surgery Waiting is right there, and they will take you back just beyond that point through those doors.”

Wait. What? Right here? I looked across it all, the long desk, the chairs near floor-to-ceiling windows, the doors “just beyond” that pivotal point.

It was a real place ready to receive patients for appendectomies, hysterectomies…and craniotomies.

It. Was. Real.

The Storm

There are six more sleeps until we approach that desk. Last night, I was working to keep my fear in check, and today, I’m thinking about the picture of the girl.

I would have told you (and I often said) before now that fear is not a factor for me. Afraid to something? Do it anyway. Scared to show up? Show up scared. Unnerved by the potential possibilities? Push boldly ahead. Holding on tight, fists clenched? Let go.

I must take my own advice.

That girl IS there to boldly receive that storm, to walk into it afraid but walking in nonetheless.

That girls IS there to surrender to it, to let go and, most importantly, let God.

I so relentlessly clung to Bible verses about fear last night in an effort to ward off the nausea, I lost sight of the “surrender” part whereby fear and faith can not coexist. I MUST hold my arms open wide and feel the wind as the storm rages. God will hold me up and protect me from the cyclone.

#pray4msa

When Keith had cancer in 2015, I started using “#prayfork” (Pray For K) until I realized (with many giggles) that it looked like “Pray Fork” and switched to “#pray4k”. Fortunately, I don’t have such a challenge with my own name as Pray For Ms. A offers up a much more sensible hashtag opportunity.

This week, I graciously ask for all the prayers you can muster that I can…

~ Replace my incredible fear with a faithful, peaceful calm.

~ Be taken care of on Friday and the following days by more angels, more kind, capable souls, willing to do God’s work to heal me.

~ Go boldly into the storm alongside my family, all of us with our arms outstretched, ready to receive the torrent yet able to be carried on the wind to safety by The Most High.

6 more fearful but faithful sleeps.

#powerinthepurple #graceanddignity #pray4msa

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