Nobody likes a Negative Nancy. I am aware that I may come across as Nancy lately. I have posted recently about my feeling lost, used up, tired. I’ve used the words “bitter” and “hermit”, yet truly, I’m not sorry. I want to keep it real.
Before I go on, don’t get me wrong. I want my blog to be about raising kids, hosting entertaining parties, and inspiring women to embrace their personal best. I also want to honest. I have a big, full, beautiful life full of blessings, and I want to share every one with you. But in between laughing with my kids, planning over-the-top birthday parties (I’m really good at those!), and motivating women, life is hard. Mine is hard right now. I’m in the midst of a sort of mental-health conundrum trying to sort through my feels, get a handle on my priorities, and figure out how I will move forward.
I’m in a knot that isn’t being easily picked apart and unraveled. It is taking time, quiet, and reflection. I’ve been busy rehashing past events, analyzing my old habits, and questioning my traditional thought patterns. There have been tears, all by myself in a room covered up with a blanket. I have slept late and put my housework on the back burner, and my house is a mess. My sweet husband has listened while I talked through so many thoughts. Personal time alone, doing not much but writing, thinking, praying, and resting, has been my daily ambition.
In her book I’ve been reading, Present Over Perfect, Shauna Niequist (who may now be one of my favorite people) explains that she has learned to “dwell in the silence of her own heart” and was reminded by a spiritual director that the verse, “Be still and know that I am God.”, begins with “Be” and “still”. Just be. Still.
I’ve never made dwelling in the silence of my own heart a priority, at least not in the last 10 or so years. So here I am. I’m keeping it real with you, as I sit in my quiet space. You’re watching my mental health and fragile heart evolve as I attempt to just “be” and stay as “still” as possible and find my way back to being on track, or maybe finding my way on a new track. Real people can sustain a wide-open, task-driven, goal-digging life only so long without a reprieve, and I’m a living lesson in that reality. Real people aren’t always happy (happiness is temporary, by the way). Real people wrestle with past traumas, battle insecurity, and you know what else…they change. That’s where I am right now, wrestling…and hopefully changing.
I’m glad you’re riding the wave with me, and I’m particularly moved when I receive comments and messages about how my struggles have resonated with you, urged you to think, or caused you to act. Maybe pretty soon, I’ll be writing about how I change up my house decor for the seasons or how I last created a huge, bountiful grazing table (aka giant charcuterie board) for a party. But for now, I’m keeping it real. It’s life without filters, without a fake smile, without toxic positivity.
Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10